From Co-dependency to an Adult Faith (Abridged version)
- Robert van Mourik
- Nov 30, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 26
Robert van Mourik
Co-dependency occurs when one places an excessive reliance on another at the expense of their own mature development. For example, some Christians rely on being told by their church what to think. The difficulty with co-dependent relationships is that they are not apparent. In the context of church and religion, co-dependent relationships can be unwittingly accepted as normal, but this is unhealthy.
Co-dependency exists and has been fostered by the church. It denies the inherent wisdom each of us has and impacts our spiritual growth. If we are to develop an enriched adult faith, we need to move away from co-dependency to personal responsibility for our faith development. Yet we may be unaware that we might be in a co-dependent relationship.
Ilia Delio describes a problematic co-dependent relationship with God.
We have imagined and created a powerful divine Being, whose name is “God,” who lives in heaven and watches over us. We built churches and composed prayers to a God who reigns almighty, from above, a God who is all-powerful and all-knowing, a God who protects the faithful and judges the fallen. The quicker we can dispel this mythic God, the greater the chance of discovering the real God.
Diarmuid O’Murchu describes adult faith as coming of age.
He writes that the inherited distinction between the humanity and divinity of Jesus is overloaded with cultural and ideological baggage, no longer capable of delivering this maturity. If we are to develop an adult faith, we must understand church history and how these co-dependent relationships have evolved.
In the early years there were many Christianities e.g., wisdom, healing and matriarchal. This diversity of thought was lost in the drive to organisational control, codification as canon and the elimination of heresies. Unity and diversity lost out in the drive to uniformity.
Nevertheless, historical research highlights the fact that a spirituality of paradise on earth, rather than a life hereafter, prevailed right into the eleventh century. An empowering faith in the Risen Christ, rather than a devotion of atonement, seems to have dominated the first Christian millennium. This complex foundational picture marked a spiritual coming of age which subsequent Christian history has poorly understood.
The reformation by Protestant churches provoked a defensive institutional response, a counter-reformation.
Clerical power became a major issue at the Council of Trent (1545-1563) which put in place a robust structure to safeguard the one and only truth, which the Catholic Church alone could deliver. To that end it created a superior person in charge, best described by four key words - Male, White, Celibate, Cleric - a clerical elite.
These clerics enforced their power chiefly by perpetuating a form of devotionalism that kept people feeling unworthy, obedient, and passive. Almost inevitably, people began to internalise a tyrannical, demanding God that could never be satisfied, a God that would never give the graces necessary for salvation unless we bombarded him day and night. This required repetitive prayers, rituals, exaggerated use of statues and holy pictures, and frequent attendance at church services. In this way, people were kept in perpetual childish immaturity, embracing a faith with little or no sense of adult growth and development.
The early Christians, like Jesus, were radically counter-cultural and not what the church became.
Its early impetus was lost to alignment with state power and the growth of church bureaucracies. These structures sought their own power, creating divisions and excluding the other - such as women and minorities - contrary to the very message Jesus sought to promote, namely an inclusive society embracing mercy, compassion, and justice.
It can be argued that the church has trained people to be co-dependent, reflected in a model of church known as “pay, pray and obey” and congregations whose own wisdom is diminished. The growth of clericalism and questionable doctrines such as original sin and penitential atonement theory, for example, have created for clergy a business of sin management, as described by Richard Rohr. It has also resulted in many living their lives in fear of eternal damnation, in part due to a failure to “obey the rules”.
A maturing adult faith implies spiritual growth just as there are differing stages of physical or emotional development.
Richard Rohr describes the early stages as having relative importance as scaffolding, but they are not the building itself. We don’t need to continue protecting the scaffolding once it’s served its purpose. But we still honour and respect it. In the first half of life, our task is to build a container. Eventually, we realise that life isn’t primarily about the container but the contents. As we grow through the stages, we transcend early stages and include them in our expanding worldview.
The Instrumentum Laboris, issued by the Vatican in June 2023, sets out an operating model for a synodal church, potentially the most significant initiative by the church since Vatican II. It represents entirely new ways of thinking about how things are done throughout all levels of the church from its cardinals through to parishes. It uses language entirely removed from the development of the church after the Council of Trent. Implementing this process could result in an entirely new church in which the non-ordained laity can have an important role. It would give new meaning to the sense of the faithful.
The Christian story can be reframed and aligned with Jesus’s vision for the kingdom of God, a society offering mercy, compassion and justice for all and the fullest realisation of human potential. Pursuing this vision is the mission of the church. Our growth in knowledge of many fields, such as psychology and quantum physics, helps us conceive new ways in which we can imagine “God” at work. This knowledge and our growth spiritually invite us to reconsider our views on our responsibility for the environment, distribution of wealth, the merits of unbridled capitalism and other beliefs we now take for granted.
It is our responsibility, we who are not clerics, to step up and be proactive, to pursue our own spiritual growth and contribute to the church’s mission.
FAQs: From Co-dependency to Adult Faith
What is the difference between co-dependence and healthy spiritual maturity?
Co-dependence is a pattern where one’s identity, worth, or decisions become overly tied to another person or circumstance. Adult faith, by contrast, rests in relationship with God first - not in the approval or actions of others. It involves boundaries, freedom, and responsibility. Psychologists often describe co-dependency as losing the self for the sake of control or caretaking. In spiritual transformation, the journey is toward centeredness in God rather than fixation on relationships.
How does co-dependency show up in faith communities?
In church or spiritual groups, co-dependency can show as people who base their faith on others’ expectations, ministry roles defined by praise, or feelings that one must earn belonging. It often hides behind service or duty - which feels noble, until it becomes a source of identity and anxiety. Adult faith frees service from self-validation, rooting it instead in grace and calling.
What steps help a person move from co-dependency into adult faith?
Begin by recognizing patterns - when you’re seeking approval, avoiding conflict, or over-responsible for others’ emotions. Then seek support: safe relationships, spiritual direction, therapy, or recovery groups help reveal new ways of relating. Cultivate spiritual practices like contemplative prayer, self-compassion, and honest boundaries. Over time, these habits help replant your identity in God’s love, not others’ approval.
Does Scripture speak to co-dependency issues?
Yes. Jesus often calls people to follow him without carrying burdens not meant for them. Paul warns believers not to be “enslaved by others” (Galatians 2:4). The Psalms also lament the pain of misplaced trust. While the term “co-dependency” is modern, the spiritual dynamics are ancient - trusting God first, not people, is central to mature faith.
Can relationships still thrive when someone shifts from co-dependency?
Absolutely - often they flourish more. Paradoxically, healthier boundaries and owning one’s emotions invite others to be freer too. Adult faith doesn’t mean relational distance, but relational integrity: love that is generous, not grasping; present, not needy. Over time, relationships rooted in mutual respect, honesty, and grace deepen rather than shrink.
At St Lucia Spirituality we believe the journey is richer when it’s shared. If you’re seeking a place to explore questions, practice mindfulness, or simply belong to an inclusive spiritual community, we invite you to join us. From online discussion groups and meditation gatherings to our growing library of resources, there’s space here for every seeker. Step into the conversation, connect with others, and discover how community can nurture your spiritual growth.
About the Author - Robert Van Mourik
Robert, a co-founder and guiding presence within St Lucia Spirituality, brings a wealth of insight and dedication to our community. While his roots lie in the Catholic tradition, Robert's spiritual journey has been one of profound inquiry and introspection, spanning many decades in search of what he terms "a coherent worldview."
Drawing inspiration from luminaries such as Anthony de Mello, Richard Rohr, Diarmuid O’Murchu, and Ilia Delio, Robert's quest for spiritual truth has been shaped by the wisdom gleaned from countless authors and mentors. Their insights have served as guiding beacons, illuminating the path towards deeper understanding and connection.
It was in the shared bond of seeking spiritual growth that Robert first crossed paths with John, their encounters over coffee in 2012 marking the genesis of a transformative journey. These intimate gatherings, fuelled by conversations on influential books and the evolving landscape of their perspectives, soon blossomed into vibrant small groups and virtual meetings on platforms like Zoom.
Through newsletters, discussion papers, and a shared commitment to fostering meaningful dialogue, Robert has played an instrumental role in nurturing the thriving community of seekers within St Lucia Spirituality. His dedication to facilitating growth, exploration, and connection reflects the essence of the community's ethos - a journey of discovery and transformation, embarked upon together.
November 2023
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