We Cannot Be Self-Made
- Richard Rohr
- Aug 19
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 13
A meditation from the CAC:
Author Mungi Ngomane explores the lessons of ubuntu she learned from her grandfather, Bishop Desmond Tutu (1931–2021):
If we are able to see ourselves in other people, our experience in the world will inevitably be a richer, kinder, more connected one. If we look at others and see ourselves reflected back, we inevitably treat people better.
This is ubuntu.
Ubuntu shouldn’t be confused with kindness, however. Kindness is something we might try to show more of, but ubuntu goes much deeper. It recognizes the inner worth of every human being—starting with yourself….
Ubuntu tells us we are only who we are thanks to other people. Of course we have our parents to credit for bringing us into the world, but beyond this there are hundreds—if not thousands—of relationships, big and small, along the way, which teach us something about life and how to live it well. Our parents or guardians teach us how to walk and talk. Our teachers at school teach us how to read and write. A mentor might help us find fulfilling work. A lover might teach us emotional lessons, both good and bad—we learn from all experiences. Every interaction will have brought us to where we are today. [1]
Theologian Dr. Michael Battle reflects on the spirituality of ubuntu:
[Ubuntu] is a difficult worldview for many Westerners who tend to understand self as over and against others—or as in competition with others. In a Western worldview, interdependence may easily be confused with codependence, a pathological condition in which people share a dependence on something that is not life-giving, such as alcohol or drugs. Ubuntu, however, is about symbiotic and cooperative relationships—neither the parasitic and destructive relationships of codependence nor the draining and alienating relationships of competition.
Perhaps Desmond Tutu … put it best when he said:
A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished. [2] …
Our planet cannot survive if we define our identity only through competition.
If I know myself as strong only because someone else is weak, if I know myself as a black person only because someone else is white, then my identity depends on a perpetual competition that only leaves losers. If I know myself as a man only by dominating women, if I know myself as a Christian only because someone else is going to hell, then both my masculinity and my Christianity are devoid of content.
Rather than reinforcing competitive ways of knowing self, Ubuntu offers a way of discovering self-identity through interdependence. As such, it is possible to argue that my very salvation is dependent on yours—radical stuff for Western ears to hear, yet vital to the survival of the earth. [3]
FAQs - We Cannot Be Self-Made
What does “ubuntu” mean and how is it connected to being “not self-made”?
Ubuntu is a Southern African concept often translated as “I am because we are” or “humanity towards others.” It emphasizes that we are shaped by our relationships and community (mentors, family, teachers). In the article, Ubuntu is used to remind us that our identity and growth isn’t solo but deeply relational.
(Source: St Lucia Spirituality)
St Lucia angle: When we say “we cannot be self-made,” we’re pointing out that every kindness, teaching, failure, success is built on people who came before and walk beside us.
Why is acknowledging dependence on others spiritually important?
Recognising dependence fosters humility, empathy, and healthier communities. Studies in psychology show that people who attribute their successes partly to teachers, mentors, or family tend to have higher wellbeing and more generous behaviour. (Source: general psychological research) In We Cannot Be Self-Made, the meditation suggests our lives are enriched when we see ourselves in others. (Source: St Lucia Spirituality)
St Lucia angle: From our spiritual view, dependence isn’t weakness - it’s part of the fabric of grace. We grow because others held the rope for us.
How do relationships shape character according to “We Cannot Be Self-Made”?
The article says every major human milestone comes through relationships—parents teach how to talk and walk; teachers, mentors, community shape purpose. (Source: St Lucia Spirituality) There’s psychological evidence that relational contexts (family, mentors etc.) deeply influence moral development, values, even resilience. (Source: developmental psychology)
St Lucia angle: Our character isn’t forged in isolation. It’s interplay: what others bring, what we respond to, what gets reflected back at us. That’s where spiritual formation happens.
Does believing we are “self-made” harm spiritual growth?
Yes - it can lead to pride, isolation, and burnout. When we believe everything depends solely on our effort, we may ignore gratitude, neglect community, or fail to receive help. In contrast, embracing interdependence tends to enhance spiritual health (more openness, forgiveness, connection). (Sources: spiritual formation literature + social-psychology research) We Cannot Be Self-Made urges us to resist the myth of complete autonomy. (Source: St Lucia Spirituality)
St Lucia angle: The myth of the “self-made” messes with our souls - it says “you don’t need others,” but spiritually speaking we always do.
How can one live out the idea that we are not self-made in daily spiritual practice?
Practices like gratitude, mentorship, community service, storytelling of one’s lineage or influences, confessing need, engaging with others’ stories help. (Sources: spiritual disciplines tradition + community-psychology studies) The article encourages seeing ourselves in others - listening, recognizing, valuing those small and big relationships. (Source: St Lucia Spirituality)
St Lucia angle: Everyday life becomes more sacred when you say “thank you” to someone who pushed you up, when you let someone else help, when you lean into vulnerability instead of pretending you did it all.
At St Lucia Spirituality we believe the journey is richer when it’s shared. If you’re seeking a place to explore questions, practice mindfulness, or simply belong to an inclusive spiritual community, we invite you to join us. From online discussion groups and meditation gatherings to our growing library of resources, there’s space here for every seeker. Step into the conversation, connect with others, and discover how community can nurture your spiritual growth.
References:
[1] Mungi Ngomane, Everyday Ubuntu: Living Better Together, the African Way (New York: Harper Design, 2020), 19, 21.
[2] Desmond Mpilo Tutu, No Future Without Forgiveness (New York: Doubleday, 1999), 31.
[3] Michael Battle, Ubuntu: I in You and You in Me (New York: Seabury Books, 2009), 2, 6–7.
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